“Purani Jeans aur Guitar…” @2003
(Guitar is behind me, Elvis poster and that favorite Jacket my brother gifted)
I was going through old photos to find my marriage pics because my 4 year old wanted to see it. Strangely I was not able to find even a single one in facebook, picasa, flikr or old harddisc, some of the hard disc are corrupt, great discovery of losing all the data that I don’t even remember.
While going through the pics I realized I used to be so happy and bubbly those days, ie before June2006. Happy with friends, happy cooking something in the garden, happy to get a new poster, joyful with kiddoos, happy in cutting moody cakes, making small surprises for friends, decorating the house with handmade stuff on festivals, celebrating nothingness with family, charm of visiting new places, the list goes on. In all this, the point to be noted was, I was wearing good fitted smart clothes but they were not the super high brands or super expensive ones that I wear now. We were going to places but they were not luxury outings that we do now. The car or bike we drove was not BMW high end product. Everything was under budget and normal for a middle class Indian family. But the smile in those pics is getting reflected in the eyes too, the sparkle is visible. I can feel the smell of those stuff, the new poster in my room, hand painted walls, own designed suits, handmade pond, the turtle in it, everything. The music, the taste, the smell – All, I can feel!
But for the last 10 years, I feel nothing. The smile was missing when I got promoted, when I got a salary hike, when I drove my BMW, when I went to my dream places like Venice, Zürich, Helsinki, London, Uday Vilas palace, anywhere. When I wear some of the most expensive clothes, watches, perfumes, anything. When I try to play with my kids, mundane chores of the house. The feeling, the memory, the smile, the association is missing. I don’t get sparkles in the eyes nor do I get excited or feel anything. Why? The attachment is gone, the feel is gone, and the depth is gone, lost somewhere, burnt and carried away with the ashes of my brother. Death leaves us buried inside, everything inside dies, am living a pseudo life, a life without meaning, a life without feeling. Just because I have to keep moving, just because I have to keep breathing, just because I have to keep taking care of people near me, people I am responsible for, people who matter to me, people who are my life. It’s scary somewhere deep inside to loose someone again that I am not able to fully attach with my own kids, I don’t feel anything. Neither their success nor their laughter. Because am totally not into it. Deep inside I guess I have this feeling of what if I lose this person, I fear when they go out, I fear when they travel, I even fear when they go to school, what if they will never return, what if this was the last time I talked to them, what if this was the last touch. That ‘what’ keeps me packed inside. I want to feel the fresh air again, the smile again. I want to set free again! But how? How do I come out of this fear? How do I start living again? How can I be the person I saw in the pics before 2006? I have no idea. Till then I guess the expression, the feeling, the laughter in my life will remain the typical Plastic smile, same in all pics always. Why do I need to publish this, it’s in an impulse. I might not do in after few minutes. Might be accepting it opening will change something. Might be facing it bang on will decrease it somehow. Let’s not judge!